It's been said that people will form a perception of God - their heavenly Father, or "Dad" with a capital 'D' - based upon the relationship they had (or didn't have) with their earthly dad, lower-case 'd'. People who grew up with a dad who was very critical or judgmental, for example, will find it very hard to believe that God accepts them with an unconditional love. And those who grew up with an absentee dad will have a hard time believing that God wants to have a deep, loving relationship with them.
To this very day, I have a hard time fully trusting men - including God - because of the relationship I had with my dad as a kid. He was the kind of dad who would be home every night, but he would usually retreat after supper to the front of the TV or to his den, where he would read or even do some work.
Now I was the type of kid who was perhaps more needy than others, craving the attention of people in general, but especially and most naturally my parents. My mom was very good at keeping me company and so her and I had a relatively close bond. My dad, however, always seemed grouchy while I was growing up; I can relate as a dad now myself, with the pressures of life overwhelming at times (whenever I'm not trusting God to work them out, that is). So when I would ask him with childish enthusiasm if he would like to play toys with me or to go out and throw a ball or frisbee, he would almost always grumble that he was too busy, or give me the "Not now, maybe later" response. Often, the "maybe later" never happened.
It wasn't too long before I began to think that perhaps I wasn't too important in his life, but I would continue to ask although less often and more sheepishly as I assumed that he would shoot down my request yet again. And sure enough, far more often than not, he did.
So as a teenager I basically tried to stay out of his way, and I no longer made the effort to bond with my dad. I was too hurt by that time and felt he truly didn't care about me. I had subconsciously begun to push him out of my life and the reaction on my part was to become more bitter about him and to be not trusting of men in general. I realize only now, years later, that I also began to distance myself from some uncles of mine that I had been very close to up until my teenage years even though they never rejected me like my dad did. I found it much easier to talk to girls, mostly because of hormones working overtime, but also probably because it was easy to talk with my mom.
By the time I started university, I remember imitating my dad on several occasions with a best friend of mine, and he would laugh hysterically as I made fun of his voice and gestures and annoying habits. I had reached the point of my greatest resentment toward my dad, which coincided with my greatest degree of rebellion against the notion of there being a God.
After God got a hold of me in my early twenties, I came to some realizations about my dad. I realized from one book I had read that "your parents raised you the best way they knew how". Such a realization was a huge bombshell of revelation in my life, and God used it as I began to grow in my Christian walk to become less resentful of my dad. I realized that perhaps my dad treated me the same way his dad treated him, and perhaps didn't feel as though there was anything wrong with that.
I moved out a couple of years after I graduated from university and saved up some money. And it was then that I finally realized just how much my dad had regretted the missed opportunities with me while I was growing up. For example, not long after I had moved out, I believe it was he who asked if I wanted to meet at a restaurant for either his or my birthday (they're only five days apart) to have supper.
By this point, God had worked to a degree where I was ready to forgive my dad for not being there for me while I was growing up. Now, I didn't ask forgiveness to his face, because quite frankly I'm sure he was already feeling bad, but I forgave my dad one day while alone praying with God. If you've never felt the release and peace of finally forgiving someone after years of resentment, then you have no idea what I'm talking about nor what you're missing!
Anyhow, I gave my dad a card for his birthday as well that basically said that even though we had missed out on opportunities in the past, we still had the present and the future. God had brought our relationship full circle, and ever since I've been able to carry on a real conversation with my dad and to enjoy his company. Even though some regrets come to mind from time to time - such as while typing this post, for example - I don't recall feeling any bitterness toward my dad since I forgave him that day with God.
But unfortunately, even though I've gotten right with my earthly dad, the mistrust I still feel toward men in general has carried over into my relationship with my heavenly Dad. Other posts have alluded to how God has been challenging me the past several months to trust Him to a degree that I never have before, to finally just let go of my fear of 'what if I get burned?' or 'what if God doesn't really care about me?' But giving the full degree of my trust to Him has been extremely difficult, although progress has been made over the past few years not only in my relationship with Him but with other men.
So I guess I wrote all this to not only encourage you that it is possible for God to heal the wounds that an abusive or absentee dad might have created, but also to hopefully make you realize that it's not a good idea to assume that God is like your earthly dad. Yes, He's your Father, but he's nothing like the imperfect earthly dad that you did - or didn't - have.
I wish we men could realize just how immensely and passionately the God of the Bible loves us, and that it's okay to love and be loved by Him. It's not un-macho or uncool to give in and accept His love. In fact, His love has been a model to me of how to love my wife and children, and to hopefully not repeat the pattern of resentment in my children that was built in me when I was growing up. Imagine how giving in to His love can help improve and heal all other areas of one's life?
I realize only now that I'm writing this post-Father's Day, but my prayer for me and for anyone reading this post is that we would get over our fears and stereotypes about our heavenly Dad and just accept His love and not be afraid to love, adore, and worship Him in return.
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