Almost asleep ...

I can't write what I'm planning to without getting a little personal with you all - well, a lot personal.  The past few weeks I've been caught up with the whole debt crisis thing in Europe while watching the value of my not-so-bountiful Retirement Savings Plan dwindle more and more.  Even as a Christian I've found it hard not to get caught up in the whole idea of worrying about the financial future.  I seriously wonder what I will be able to draw upon to pay the bills once I'm into my early sixties.

My struggle as a Christian goes beyond the financial aspect, however.  My bigger struggle is the spiritual aspect, namely that Jesus basically commanded his followers not to worry about anything, ANYTHING - that if God takes care of birds and flowers he will surely take care of us.  Sometimes it's very difficult to believe this in your heart as well as your mind.  But I'm convinced that people living in even the most dire of straits - famine, genocide, etc. - experience the hand of God when they cry out for his help and provision.  I've read about too many stories to this effect to begin to doubt it.

But this is about my life 20 or so years down the road, not the present.  Sure, I'm convinced about his current provision, but what about when I'm not as strong and healthy to show up at a job every day?  That's where the worry has crept in.

So with these "heavies" upon my heart, I did what any sincere believer should:  I brought these things before God.  But most of the answers I've received this week are absolutely what I did not expect.  First of all, I've received many ideas about how I could structure my RSP in terms of how much to keep as cash, how much to put into mutual funds vs. stocks, etc.  I've even asked him to reveal other investment "vehicles" that might be far less risky than the stock market.  Now I just need the faith - and the discipline - to put these ideas into action and get over the temptation to be greedy, to be content with gains of a few percent a year instead of the much riskier yet higher potential gains (or losses) that I could experience by keeping things the way they are.  Right now, the losses have unfortunately been the norm.

But what has been much more heavy upon my heart - what I did not expect - is what the book of Ecclesiastes refers to as "vanity", or "absolute futility" in another translation of the Bible.  I have looked at how people everywhere around me - Christian and non - are passionately in pursuit of ... themselves.  It seems as though their main goal at the end of the work day, whether working in or out of the home, is to have a time of peace and comfort.  To get the kids out of their hair so they can relax.  To get the yard looking up to snuff for another season of barbeques and lazy summer evenings with friends and family.  To spend time on Facebook catching up with people, or simply to surf the net aimlessly looking at 'stuff'.

It's one thing to have been noticing these things in everyone else's lives at every single turn, but it's been much more humbling to have been noticing them in my own.  Some may think that someone like me writing a blog like this is somehow super-spiritual, "in" with God in a way that others aren't, with my life all sorted out and idyllic.  The only reason I have anything to write month after month, however, is simply because my life is NOT like this!  This week, I've seen with eyes more clear than ever about how much I want the same things as most other people.  But the "big heavy" I've felt is how in doing so, in spending so much time and energy trying to get financial and personal ducks in a row, I'm NOT spending time involved in the lives of others.

Now God is so gracious.  He hasn't revealed these things to me with some huge guilt burden that makes me feel rotten or like an idiot.  Instead, it's almost as though God has been wanting to show me what's more important in life so that I don't get any more caught  up in worrying and planning than I already am.  It's like he's been trying to tell me to pursue "his kingdom and his righteousness" (Matthew 6:33) and not to worry about my life and the true desires of my heart being taken care of, because he'll do that in good order on his terms and according to his timing.

So what have I realized or noticed specifically?  I've thought about how I sometimes worry about paying the bills when some people can't even pay a single one of theirs.  Or about my house when so many on this planet don't even have one, or one that offers little shelter or security.  Or some of my sore joints when I could instead be a cripple or have a debilitating disease.

Basically, I've noticed how needy so many people are but how so few of us with affluence and abundance and good health are willing to help them.  In response to this, I've been struggling with what I could do to help them.

Now this is an overwhelming thing to think about.  Hey, I was looking for investment ideas, not to be burdened with thoughts of all the human-induced suffering of this world, resulting from the greed, selfishness, and other sins imposed by people on other people!  I was looking for answers to help me, not to be made aware of the problems of others!

I must admit that I'm in a very selfish phase right now where it's been very hard to look away from my situation and to even take time for others.  I'm almost done working toward a particular certification for the industry I'm working in, there are upcoming birthdays in my family, we're excited about plans for a summer holiday, and so forth.  To see if my neighbor needs help cleaning his yard or to take the time to talk to a stranger just so they don't feel alone is more of a burden to me lately than staying in my comfort zone and dealing with me, me, me.

So maybe this is why this week I got the answers I did regarding my plea to rescue my retirement finances.  Maybe God is trying to tell me that I'm wasting my time worrying about whether I'll actually be alive twenty-some years down the road, and instead that I should be more focused on living, loving, and serving in the here-and-now since there is absolutely no guarantee of being alive even five minutes from now!

So why did I title this post "almost asleep"?  Because I realize that the church - the body of believers in Jesus Christ - in our prosperous Western world is made up of far too many believers just like me.  Oh yes, we go through phases like this where God opens our eyes to the plight of others all around us.  But then we - and I - get lulled back into ourselves once again.  We get lulled by all the eye-candy this world has to offer, thinking that we need more of it, so that we'll be distracted from being a positive impact in changing this world for the better.

And who does the Bible say is behind this world system?  None other than God's enemy, the devil.  One of his most effective tactics throughout history has been distraction, getting Christians away from serving the needs of others in order to serve the supposed "needs" of self.  The Western church is almost asleep and no signs of a wake-up call for it are on the horizon as far as I've been able to tell.  In fact, the past year or so I've been really discouraged about its state and its lessening impact with time.  It gets lulled evermore into being an ineffective social club of indifferent members.  But I can only point at it so much without also pointing at me.

But despite this, I realize that the transformation of a body is the eventual result of the transformation of some of its individual members.  I know that God routinely stirs the pot of my life and that of my wife so that we don't become stagnant.  God has always spoken to the hearts of individuals like he's been doing with me lately, but what will I do with these realizations?  And how about you, fellow believer?

I don't know what I'll do, exactly.  I've been hoping that God will stir me enough to get off the couch and at the very least perform random acts of kindness toward others.  (This is far easier for my wife, by the way, so she's often an inspiration in this regard.)  Maybe I'll actually work toward starting that men's group that's been on my mind for months now instead of assuming it won't be well received (another of Satan's favorite tactics:  doubt).

In any case, I too have been lulled almost asleep more times than I'd like to admit.  But it's at times of realization like this that I and those of you who claim to be followers of Jesus Christ need to do something about it - something simple - and then be open and selfless enough to allow God to take us to the next step.  Jesus was all about living for everybody else's needs, and voila - his Father always took care of his.  Go figure!  We just don't want the life of simplicity that Jesus lived.  We still think we need the bigger house and the new car and the latest gadgets, that we'll somehow get "bored" if we live for others and no longer just our desires.  Or worse yet, we assume that by doing so we'll be taken advantage of.

Do you think perhaps that Jesus' life might be an example of how we ought to be living our lives?  I think so, and I pray that not only I but any believer reading this will be convinced and motivated to live the same.